That's gonna leave a hole
A woman recently birthed a baby weighing 14lbs, 5oz. I think my uterus just took itself hostage and headed to Mexico.
Pretty much just an exercise sharing circle
Curves, because you will always have them if you consider that a workout.
But it's always just poop and pee
When walking through a majority of the city you just need to convince yourself of two things: 1) That puddle is just water, and 2) That smeared brown clump is just mushed brownie that someone dropped after leaving Specialty's.
It doesn't make sense but it works
My new go-to workout song is "The Rose" by Bette Midler. I have a lot of questions for myself.
A labor or fruit
If today has taught me anything, it's that I really suck at peeling an orange.
Wowza
Hefty pour from myself. At this point, it's just a Mary.
Having a pile or two of poo wouldn't look any worse than having that in the center of your lawn. Also, dogs can't read.
The subtle crunch that packs a punch
Nothing reinforces the gag reflex quite like a rogue egg shell in my omelet.
I'll take swords
"The pen is mightier than the sword." But a sword does damage regardless of the literary capacity of your intended target.
Thanks?
Dad: "Well, thank you for the call Nettie-babe and Happy Father's Day."
The novelty has died
Ahhhlright Macy’s. Let’s cool it with the overly enthusiastic ‘ONE.DAY.SALE!’ ad like it’s a rarity. You have it on Saturday. Every Saturday.
It's here. In my hand.
You're never going to find what you're looking for in your purse if you're holding the elusive item in your hand.
I'm not intimidated
Shrimp Boy Chow? The Chinese should consult with Italians before they allocate gang nicknames.
Heavy puddle entry without consequence
There's a real sense of empowerment when you're wearing rain boots and come across a puddle.
Not cured
I just took Tums, then puked. That's not how it was suppose to work.
I hate automatic toilets
I'll flush when I'm damn well good and ready.
Morley Safer
He just took the mantra 'work to live' to a very literal level.
Are we walking to work or are we walking to algebra?
Why?
My first thought as I woke up this morning: Wonder what Bill Bellamy is up to these days?
Here goes nothin'
Props to the first guy who gave shaving razors a try. "I'm fairly confident this will not remove layers of skin from my face."
Incorrect. Those are actually the legs of a man.
If that puddle doesn't look like a cat kissing a baby turtle, I don't know what does.
Look alive, Evanco
The elevator comes a lot faster when you push the button.
At least it would never be loud
When a deaf person talks to themselves, do they sign to themselves?
AND she has my same coat!
Walking into Starbucks I saw someone who looked A LOT like me. Spoiler alert: it was my reflection.
Why don't you have 5 fingers?
12 seconds I will never get back
No matter how hard you try, shampoo is not coming out of the bottle until the cap is opened.
You're holding it like a banana
"Smoking makes you look cool" is really taking a hit with these e-cigarettes.
It's probably for the best
Now I feel all out of sorts if I don't shave my legs everyday. When did I become so high maintenance?
Thank you The Mighty 1090 for this advertising gem
"Hi. You can't see me because you're listening to the radio; I can't see you because I'm totally blind."
Candy problems
"Where trouble melts like lemon drops". Lemon drops are melty?
G-Chats with Mom
Momma: hahaha. we could sing cum by yah, or however you spell it.
Definitely not that way.
Definitely not that way.
He probably says 'woof', too
Just walked by a dog peeing on a fire-hydrant. How cliche.
It's a training bra
After another bra shopping experience rendering an A-cup too big, I decided that someone should specialize in "less than A's". But it quickly dawned on me that already exists.
GO GO GO
The overwhelming sense of panic that overcomes our middle-aged citizens when it's near - or heaven forbid, just beyond - flight check-in time is incredible.
Sounds like
I just told a man that I liked his pants. But I mumble terribly, so, I liked his penis.
One side is a sixteenth of the other
I'm not good at a lot of things, and cutting bagels is one of them.
Wing eaters come out at night
It's all too common to walk by discarded chicken wing bones in this city.
I'm speed walking away from a bird
'They're more scared of you than you are of them' is not true with pigeons.
You can find them in 1991
A man at Walgreens just asked where he can find the VCR's.
Time to go cat shopping
I was walking behind by a very distraught woman talking on the phone about how another relationship ended because she said 'I love you' too early.
gChats with Mom
Me: Happy Halloween!
Momma: I hate this day
Momma: I hate this day
Where did that come from? And... why?
Sitting around, drinking wine with my folks when Dad interjects with: "You know who I really admire is Thomas Jefferson."
When a homeless man boards with his duvet, you know it's bedtime.
Just trying not to stare
There's a mentally retarded person lifting weights. It looks and sounds exactly how you'd imagine.
Damn
Just got scolded for texting while walking. The worst part? He called me ma'am.
Goes together like peanut butter and jelly
I have yet to hear the word "angle" and not follow it up with the word "dangle".
Whose is that and how'd it get into my mouth
Nothing like pulling a hair of non matching length and color from your mouth for a late afternoon dry-heave.
For pimps and pregnant people?
Right. ALL holidays.
Still got it
My 67 year old van-cab driver asked me out on a date. So, I guess you could say things are going pretty well.
Now it's first stop shopping
I remember when I thought Ann Taylor was for old people.
No I did not grow up riding horses
If I had a nickel for every time a passing stranger commented on how bow-legged I am, I'd have roughly 25 cents.
By all means Susie, Nance, and Carol
Held the door open for 3 dudes with no effort on their part to contribute to the holding open. Really makes a gal feel like a lady.