Ha! Wowza
Wanna know who you're having a better more morning than? The chick who just face planted the street cuz the handle bars came off her bike.
CLEAVAGE!
I always get excited when a piece of food falls inside my shirt because that means there was actually a space for it to fall.
Umm, yes. The police.
"At KTVU we have a news team here who's experienced. They know who to call when there's an emergency...."
How in the world...
Just rolled my ankle while sitting down. This is a new low for me.
Just one problem with this set-up
Dad: Nettie, there is a very nice young man we want to set you up with. He just signed with the Raiders.
Nettie: Oh really. How do you know this gentleman?
Dad: Well, we don't, but we have read his interviews several times in the Aztecs newspaper and he seems like a really down to earth guy.
Nettie: ______________
Nettie: Oh really. How do you know this gentleman?
Dad: Well, we don't, but we have read his interviews several times in the Aztecs newspaper and he seems like a really down to earth guy.
Nettie: ______________
I'm coordinated, I swear
Guess who almost fell off the weight bench this morning? Unfortunately, when surrounded by mirrors, 1 flailing leg turns into about 18.
It's really up there
Passed a lady wearing jeans with a camel-toe. Had no idea it was possible for such a sturdy material to become lodged in such a manner.
Candy medicine? Medicine candy?
Unsure of the logic behind Advil. "Kids, be sure not to eat anything from the medicine cabinet. Avoid this bottle too, although it's a fun color and tastes like Christmas, it will still kill you."
For the love of God, woman
If you like gchatting with people who ask you a question, wait 4 seconds, then sign off, you should gchat with my mom.
Proceed with caution
AOL accounts are the windowless vans of email.
Sally sells seashells
Someone just took my name down as "Jeaneth". They must have had a lisp.
Robust
Chest hair is the European mans cleavage. Undo a few top buttons and show the world
Why have we just come to a sudden stop in the middle of the sidewalk?
Trying to walk through Union Square during tourist season can be likened to driving when the only people on the road are old, Asian, female and have their learners permit.
He can't even vote, but check out his...
Can't revel in college baseball the way I use to. I'm too old. Now it just makes me a pedophile.
I had a forehead
That was like a chemical peel and brow wax in one. I think the wax was on bath salts. Jaysus christ
She woke up on the right side of the bed
Oh wow, just got propositioned by a hooker. Never thought my first time would be at 8:30 in the morning.
They are hanging a sheep with a ribbon
I'm surprised PETA hasn't made Brooks Brothers change their logo.
I’m happy for you two. Really.
When daughters announce they’re pregnant, I'd gather that a Dads joy is reduced a titch by the confirmation that his daughter has in fact, had sex.
I was out cat shopping
One of the main reasons I finally got DVR was so that I could record Lifetime movies while I was gone. I know. I don’t know why I’m single either.
Appetite deterred
Not much matches the feeling when you realize that that was not a hair in your food.
And clearly, also a poet
Homeless guys sign by his dog: "Pet my pet, I'm a vet."
Getting creative with Grandma's old tablecloth
Lace tights? It looks like you have a skin disease, not an elegant pattern donning your calves.
Sleep Active = Slactive
Not sure what I did in my sleep last night but, there was a dryer sheet in my shower this morning.
T-burn
Good news: It was sunny. Bad news: I was wearing a T-strap sandal.
I've never actually seen a person utilize those jacket shoulder flaps... until now
"Outage"
"Did you know you can get outage information online? Just go to www.comcast.com." Let's think about that for a bit, Comcast.
Never a flawless execution
Double-sided tape is the Saran Wrap of the gift wrapping world.
Not just a hat rack
According to my 2nd grade journal, I wanted to be a trash woman and a billionaire. Setting goals at both ends of the spectrum... smart gal.
Don’t chip. Don’t chip. Don’t chip. Don't chip anymore. Don't chip.
Opening an aluminum can with a new manicure is like playing Operation.
You’ve accomplished group play. Let’s celebrate!
Throwing your kid a pre-school graduation party is really setting their bar low.
Premature spacebar
87% of the time I type, "abou tit". 100% of the time, I laugh.
Delicious, but confusing.
Just ate a grape tomato and it tasted like a Cheeze-It.
Eyes up here
My neighbor and I just opened our shower windows at the same time. It was like a play date for our boobs.
Get it together
Steve Evanco just asked: "What are seersuckers?" I may have to
re-evaluate this whole 'twin brother' thing.
re-evaluate this whole 'twin brother' thing.
Fire danger
Saw a mentally retarded man smoking a cigarette. Aside from the fact he was talking to it, it just doesn't seem like a good idea.
My apartment smells like porn
If candle shopping at Walgreens, I suggest you pass on "Island Coconut" as it emits more of a "Local Topless Beach" aroma.
My lips are on fire... I think for real
Got a little carried away and now my lips are being raped by Tapatio.
Library reading
If a random piece of newspaper blows into your leg, panic. Because chances are favorable that it was recently homeless man toilet paper.
Umm. Or speak at all
Woman being interviewed about a recent increase in deer being run over by cars: "I needed to be a voice for these animals because they don't speak English or Spanish."
Chalking this up as a good Saturday
My BART car had new seats, the weather is warm and gorgeous, then the 3 year old niece said: "your boobies are big".
A healthier version of menthols?
Just watched a woman throw in a breath mint halfway through her cigarette.
Broken hinge
Was the victim of a swinging door this morning. Hopefully the spot of face grease I left behind will save others.
Maybe
If you can't tell if they're a boy or a girl, does that make them a good lesbian.
Step it up, Evanco
"Eh. My legs are mostly shaved" is a personal standard I should probably raise.
Sorry about that, kiddo
The worst part about being a teen mom would be having your kid stuck with the name you thought was cool when you were 15.
Thank, pal
The FedEx guy just called me "little buddy". He was probably looking at my chest.
I’m surprised they didn’t name fighter jets, Cloud Dancers
Who named the "walkie-talkie"? A 5 year old girl? I’m surprised they didn’t name fighter jets, Cloud Dancers
Act like you’ve been there before
Seeing kids eat shit then burst into tears never gets old. I don't feel sorry for you. Instead of flailing around with a huge grin on your face because you’re overjoyed that you can propel yourself forward, try focusing on the task at hand and walk with some composure.
Random thoughts
Why do I remember that JTT's favorite dessert was apple pie a la mode. More importantly, why did that just pop into my head.
You look ridiculous
You can't walk around like you're hot shit when we can see your bump-it.
A scenario I never want to be in
Driving a motorcycle on the freeway, helmet shield down, sneezing.
I think 'the viral load' is what got them HIV in the first place
Just right
Like they say: If the shoe fits... then you know how to buy shoes.
Under attack! Maybe.
I may have felt a bug crawling on my face last night. Took no chances and reacted as though I was about to be eaten alive by a colony.
Cleavage Envy
It's nice to be able to wear a scarf without having to worry that it's covering up cleavage.
It's not extreme
People who cross the cross-walk at a diagonal during rush hour should be shot.
Hurry up and get there, your gait is frustrating
Nothing brings out the run in an unnatural runner quite like a departing bus.
Torture
If I am ever a Mom and my kids are being little jerks I will make them put on a nice greasy hand lotion, send them to their rooms, close the door, and tell them that they can come out whenever they want... they just have to open the door.
Are you OK
When Dick Vitale talks, he looks like he's talking through a stroke.
Help!
Flannel jams with flannel sheets. Last night I felt like a mouse stuck on a glue trap.
Black out in 15
Food Network drinking game: Drink every time Ina says "Jeffery".
Yea dawg
If Tyra Banks and Randy Jackson had a baby it would be the most unbearable thing created. Fortunately, Tyra's too big of a narcissist to have sex with anyone but herself.
Quick, quick, quick... please don't get stuck
An overwhelming sense of panic and claustrophobia comes over me when I jam my hand through a bangle bracelet. It's a rough .75 seconds.
Gonna be a long day
Good news: just got in the shower with my underwear on. Jesus Christ.
I'll take my chances and defend myself
Not quite
Just got called the 'N' word. It's nice to be living in a place that doesn't see the color of your skin.
He ventured south
Apparently there's a spider in my apartment and he happens to be an ass man.
No sign necessary
Love the signs that just say 'Homeless'. It's like, oh! That's why you're laying on the sidewalk in a torn up Starter jacket.
This one's on you
Since Obama has decided to grace San Francisco with his presence, they have blocked off my route home and are detouring me to walk through the ghetto. If I get raped, I’m sending you the bill from my rape kit.
All signs pointed towards victory
I keep getting signs that I should play the lottery and I keep losing the lottery. I need new signs.
At least I can sleep on my stomach
Turning to fit through tiny spaces loses all reward when you are able to do so by leading with your chest.
Abe!
Forget about Valentine's Day, what the hell are we gonna do for Lincoln's Birthday?
Yes, that's my sweat
My goodness, walking back from the gym with a fully sweated through t-shirt sure gets you a lot of attention. Guess I now know what it would be like to have cleavage.
Good as raped
What kickboxing class is teaching me about my self defense skills is that I'd be better off just playing dead.
Not "Island Paradise"
Got a new candle and now my apartment smells like the inside of a taxi that recently dropped off a few strippers.
...
How does a 27 year old get burned by a 5 year old you don't ask? Let me tell you:
5 Year Old: "Are ever gonna get married? Cuz you're a grown-up and you should be."
5 Year Old: "Are ever gonna get married? Cuz you're a grown-up and you should be."
She has a point
3 Year Old Niece: "Nettie, that was not a fart, that was a burp for my butt."
I'm sorry, but it's true
Why do people let retarded people wear velcro shoes. It just makes them look more retarded.
That situation was misconstrued
While I was unzipping my jacket I smiled at the man walking by me. Very bad timing on my part.