No neck chills
A man had a double chin but only had hair growth on chin dos. Think I just witnessed evolution of the human scarf.
You probably don't need to wear a bra
Love that Victoria's Secret doesn't sell bras in my size. Does OshKosh offer an intimates line?
Eyebrowcut
They use more scissor than tweezer on my eyebrows. That is some robust growth.
I think I'm bleeding
"Remember when I use to be on you?"- My knuckle skin every time I attempt to pull down the corner of my fitted sheet that's against the wall.
Burns. It BURNS.
It's always a treat when lemon juice is the one to remind you that you have a cut on your finger.
Some time you gotto power around
Just cut off a crippled man. I feel bad but he was walking so damn slow.
Uncharacteristically jovial
Voluntarily just made conversation with a stranger. Guess I haven't sobered up yet.
Just get water
Watching someone with no teeth attempt pulpy orange juice is really frustrating.
Wave and jiggle
Welp, it's happened. My arm flags have dropped. Business on the top, party on the bottom.
I can't dress myself
Just came to discover that my bra was inside out. The reason for today's discomfort is no longer a mystery.
Gchats with Mom
Me: Chet died?
Mom: still feeling poorly? bummer!
Mom: Jennie had knee surgery this morning and is doing fine. Dr. said her knee was a mess. hey, Steve is on gmail now!
That's how you avoid the topic of death.
Mom: still feeling poorly? bummer!
Mom: Jennie had knee surgery this morning and is doing fine. Dr. said her knee was a mess. hey, Steve is on gmail now!
That's how you avoid the topic of death.
Is this thing on?
It would be a real blow to morale if you were the first on site for a protest.
Gotto get 8 hours
There was a gang shooting last night at 6:40. That's my kinda gang. Go out, bust a cap, in bed by 9.
Alrighty
Upon ending a phone call with my father, I said: "Bye Dad, love you." He said: "Thanks". So, that was weird.
Jacket vaccine: Fire
A dirty ass homeless man just grabbed my shoulder. I really like this jacket, but I think I have to burn it.
Sweet aroma
There's a rather large woman next to me and all I can smell is cinnamon rolls. I think my nostrils are stereotyping.
Literally
Just passed by two blind people holding hands. The blind leading the blind.
Hot mess
If a hooker walks by with smeared lipstick it's probably safe to assume she just came from a service appointment.
Get. Off. Of me
Taking off skinny jeans does not make you feel skinny.
Profound moment with kids
Niece: Like, what's the point of wine tasting?
Me: Well, it's like trick-or-treating for adults.
Niece: Oh. That's cool.
Me: Well, it's like trick-or-treating for adults.
Niece: Oh. That's cool.
Damn, that was heavy
Not going to go into detail but, the 7-11 door won.
Limb containment, for the love of god
With all these tourists meandering down the middle of the sidewalk and randomly throwing out an arm to point at shit, I'm gonna lose an eye.
Just contracted every disease and virus in the book
Oh no! GrossGrossGross! A pigeon feather just flew into my mouth. That's it. This is how I die.
Never had one lesson
Oh good, my neighbor got a piano.
Banana!
Calf cramp mid elliptical can only be likened to blowing a tire on the freeway.
Blinded and bloodied
Worst time to slice your finger open? When you're chopping an onion. Compromised visions with a knife injury.
Please stop
Watching a dirty homeless woman eat a banana by squishing it in her hand and then licking it out of her palm is really disgusting.