Good tip
According to the super drugged out people I just passed by, "the flea department is calling the sheriff."
So there
My favorite kind of homeless person is the one who curses you out for not giving them enough change. You know what? Fuck you. I'm glad you're homeless and poor.
And P.S. - you smell terrible
And P.S. - you smell terrible
Do you go by Tim? No. Chelsea.
See you at Talbots
Oh good. Just passed an upper-aged woman and we were wearing the same shoes.
I see it, but I can't snatch it
This unfortunate trend of men wearing lady-tight jeans must really be hurting the pick pocketing sector.
The only shoes that matched his hat
Sample timing
Starbucks is handing out samples of their Chicken Curry Salad. It's 8am. I'd imagine that even people from India wouldn't want chicken curry at this hour.
G-dammit, this is a sad song
Nothing like Tim McGraw's "Don't Take the Girl" to really body slam your afternoon into the depression mat.
Could do this all ady
Just shampooed my carpet. So, today was pretty much my Christmas.
Sniper
Nothing makes you feel cooler than tripping over nothing in the middle of the sidewalk.
If nobody saw the indicator, did it indicate?
When my Dad executes a u-turn on a quiet neighborhood side street, he turns on his blinker.
No need for the 'If''
Sleep visions
Rolled over and saw my hand out of the corner of my eye and thought it was a mouse. So that was a real hoot and a half at 3 AM.
Urban four-leaf clover?
A pigeon without a foot deformity.
While in line at the DMV
Watching someone get yelled at and kicked out of his drivers test for cheating makes up for having the Korean lady try to convert me to Christianity.
Scanning the bench for a white guy
"I remember when gas was a nickel" is something I will never be able to say. But, "I remember a time when white people played professional sports" is something I will.
Done with ESPN for the day
"Ooo! Poker's on!" is something I will never say.
He's not happy to see me
Good idea until you think about it
I see San Francisco's new "casual carpool" initiative as a, "you should have seen that coming" kidnapping.
Gchats with mom
Me: 4th plans?
Momma: Jay and Carol may come by for burgers and beer pong....other than that we are laying low.
Momma: Jay and Carol may come by for burgers and beer pong....other than that we are laying low.
Zip it
I don't always remember to zip up my fly, but when I do, I've already left the apartment.
Future cat lady
I had a dream that I had a baby. Then it transformed into a cat. I think my fate is sealed.
A Clearance Blow-Out Sale Sale?! That's the best kind!
Your ears are fine
On a plane full of toddlers during the descent... if there's a place where they torture little people is mass, this is what it must sound like.
I'm gonna be sick
Just saw a man's outtie. Through his t-shirt.
But fire is lights
There is a woman being interviewed about her house being on fire: 'I didn't see the fire until I turned on the lights.' Uhhh.
Can't be contained
I have to go return a bra because it was too big. It was an A cup.
Murder in his eyes, not in his heart
Just passed a homeless man who I thought might kill me. He didn't. Chalk that up as a win for the day.
To the South Bay!
Sucker punch
My cheek is really sore. I'm not confident that I didn't punch myself in the face while I was sleeping.
It's poo. It's always poo
Between the dogs and all the homeless people, San Francisco sidewalks are very well fertilized.
And he's good
How do you not root for the Spurs? They have a balding white guy on the floor.
For fast wheelchairs only?
Shitty situation
If I ever get raped, I really hope I'm gassy that day.
A shirt's a shirt even if riddled with inaccuracies
Is champion season in third world countries known as t-shirt season?
Ready..... AIM
Ladies: let's band together and not pee on the toilet seat.
He didn’t make it.
Watching newborn sea turtles try to make it to the ocean without getting eaten is an incredibly tense 60 seconds of programming.
Trendsetting, but not today
If the four different groups of middle-aged European women I passed by are any indicator, khaki capris and a deep camel toe are will be in next season.
Thank you for dinner. JUST dinner
Accidentally inserting a winky face in lieu of a smiley face when sending a text to your father really adds an unwanted dynamic to the message.
But Tibet is shaped like an Elvis wig
Scabbed
Dutch Crunch is the premonition bread. That is exactly how the roof of your mouth is going to look after a few bites.
This does not pair well
Grabbed the cumin instead of cinnamon. Looks like me and my yogurt are going to Mexico.
5:02 AM
Was awoken by a cockroach flying 2 feet from my face. As I jumped out of bed to make my escape, I slipped and smashed my face against the wall. Luckily, the sting of rug-burn takes away any pain that may come with face planting plaster. Needless to say, I'm up.
You have just contracted.... everything
Wore shorts even though I knew I was going on BART. It's like I don't even care about my well-being.
Just kidding, we LOVE your weird nose
What we learned from Rudolph: people only accept your differences if those differences help them accomplish a goal.
Good job, self.
"Mind your P's and Q's". It finally makes sense! The "Q" is no longer a mystery. Only took me 28 years to solve.
The gift of absence
If you're under the age of 20, there's a good chance that what your Mom would like to do for Mother's Day is to get away from you
Portable canopy
Someone should rock the golf world and carry a smaller umbrella.
No estimated time of return
"I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again." Well, you have a terrible itinerary.
Any way to over-sanitize?
Less is more, unless 'it' is hand sanitizer after you touch anything on BART.
Suffocate bear
Never thought I'd want to murder a teddy bear, then the Snuggle mascot opened it's mouth.
Shattered or projected
Stabbing at a crouton rarely ends well.
They're dessert
Muffins: cupcakes that are OK to put butter on.
It's paint chip Abe
Rocked by the vote
An overwhelming majority of what I voted for didn't pass. I suck at voting.
15 years off
Since getting my new haircut, I don't get carded anymore which means: great haircut for high school, bad haircut for your early 30's.
#BobRoss
When it appears as though you've completely blown it, you throw in a few happy clouds and totally redeem yourself.
More than a dream
That terrible moment when you wake up to find a bug bite on your face after a night of dreaming you were being attacked by a spider.
Guard Pony
I'm having trouble connecting the dots
There are a bagillion stars in space. Why is space so dark?
Once you pop, you don't stop
Things I pretend to use but don't need: wine corks.
There's a void.
4 o'clock just isn't the same without Oprah.
Match made in heaven
Wineries should promote through churches. "This blood of Christ is brought to you by...."
Pedophi-no
Why are newly elected Popes so old? Is it so they forget everything they saw?
Glute time all the time
Shape-Ups at the gym? He can chalk that up as a 2-a-day.
Full body workout
There's a man with an erection walking around the gym like no one can notice. You're in basketball shorts, people in China have noticed.
When has graffiti ever been OK?
It's 2:30am. It's time.
Nothing says: "Just go to bed" like continuing to eat even though your last bite discovered that the corn dog was still partially frozen.
Win some, lose some.
1 for 1 in today's BART lottery: First train had new seats and non-carpeted floor. Second train had old seats and a bag of poop on the floor.
Glad that's over
The View, or Kathie Lee and Hoda? Kathie Lee and Hoda or, The View? The stressful morning decisions of unemployment.
My FACE
Life really changes when you mix up an avocado chunk with wasabi.
Oh, the yogurt is GREEK? I will have the parfait.
Greek yogurt has become the bacon of the health world.
This should not be an issue for anybody
I need to stop sleeping on my face, I keep waking up with crimped eyebrows.
No crossing the street with purses?
Shim
The checkout person called me sir. Chopping off my hair is turning out as well as expected.
No time to waste
Laughed at someone who fell out of a van cab, then I stepped in puke. Karma's working efficiently today.
What a dumb allergy
"Remember when I could drink beer and didn't break out in a rash" is something I wish I didn't have to say.
It's not what it says it is
"Sanitary napkin". Was it opposite day when they came up with that.
The end was near
Waiting at a cross walk and a homeless tried to share his blanket with me. I'll never be more proud of my reflexes than I am today.
Whatever it takes to build an audience
"Be the 22nd caller and win a free mammogram."
One of, or shall I say, two of a kind giveaway from Tahoe City's channel 2 news.
One of, or shall I say, two of a kind giveaway from Tahoe City's channel 2 news.
Even he should have seen that coming
A blind man was walking with his stick about 6 inches off the ground, then tripped over the curb. Even he should have seen that coming.
Let's count in increments of tourettes
"This doesn't make any sense. Let's do it." - The guy who came up with how to score a tennis match.
A dread clump to the ankles. Gross.
Sorry about your bowels
"There is a lot little thickening in the rectum. And he wants me to go on Citrucel." The lady whispered the second part but "swollen rectum" was acceptable for the ears of the entire waiting room.
Let's just keep myself covered
The only thing I'm encouraged to purchase after flipping through a Victoria's Secret catalog are their robes.