Guess it's flu season
I have pink eye in both eyes, in case anyone wants to come hangout.
What. thefuck. is in her water bottle
Intense
Blew my nose so hard, I coughed. Coughed so hard I almost vomited. That's how you 'go big or go home' in sick people world.
Butterfly, Fantasy, Honey, Sweetheart, Heartbreaker
Sometimes you make decisions that positively effect your life forever. For me, today was such a day. Mariah Carey's Greatest Hits is now a member of my iTunes library.
She's a keeper
Just told my mom how hungover I am and she reacted with as much compassion as if I told her I had the flu.
Game-changer
Mariah Carey is the Michael Jordan of Christmas music.
Food for thought
Why don't we eat birthday cake on Christmas?
Get it together, Evanco
Been a rough week for me as a pedestrian. If you don't hear from me for a couple days, I finally got hit by a car.
Red nose
Rudolph was the alcoholic reindeer.
Every body loves Christmas
Jim Harbaugh wears the same glasses as Mrs. Claus.
No way to walk away from that and look cool
Rough walk home. That parked car came outta nowhere.
Old soul
Woke up naturally at 5:36am. If anyone needs me today I will be doing chair exercising at the local community center, canning some jam, enjoying my 4pm dinner reservation at Carrows, then wrapping up the day with a little knitting.
Excuse me while I... just stand here
Stopped to read my phone and happened to do so in the middle of a hip hop dance circle. Don't mind the white girl
Color me thoroughly impressed
Just had the pleasure of walking behind a man who was able to snot rocket into a trash can without breaking stride.
Daddy?
You know the creepy old man who shovels salt in Home Alone? You know Hunter Pence who plays for the Giants? Yup.
Mount up
Walking by a random dude and he stops me to say:
Dude: "Either you rode horses growing up, or you ride motorcycles.
Me: Ha! Cuz I'm bow-legged, huh?
Homey: Yea, but it's a good look. No disrespect.
Dude: "Either you rode horses growing up, or you ride motorcycles.
Me: Ha! Cuz I'm bow-legged, huh?
Homey: Yea, but it's a good look. No disrespect.
C'mon now
A grown man was just skipping down the hill. Get yourself together.
It looks like a cockroach and it tastes like dirt
Hey nut factories, go ahead and keep all the Brazil Nuts for yourselves.
HUEY!
Today I learned that if 'The Power of Love' comes on, I will linger around the store until it's over.
Gchats with Mom
Me: "How was your day?"
Madre: "Busy. We had the gardner, the plumber, the pool guy, and the electrician come today.
She does realize that none of that required any effort on her part?
Madre: "Busy. We had the gardner, the plumber, the pool guy, and the electrician come today.
She does realize that none of that required any effort on her part?
Holy bajeezus
Great news: that was ink on my hand, not a spider. Bad news: you can't undo a heart attack.
The high school girls called, they want their drinks back
At the airport bar and one guy is sipping on Malibu and another just walked in and ordered Baileys. If I see someone throw back a Smirnoff, I may have to intervene.
Sleepless on the red-eye
Fun Fact: On AA's new planes if you're sitting in seat A and somebody in seat D has their reading light on, it shines directly in your face.
You're sick again? Weird.
I have the immune system of a premature baby.
NSA's dream
You should see the font size my mom uses for texting. Oh wait, you probably can.
Gunfire isn't news
The news should only report when there's not a shooting in Oakland.
Yep, I can see every dig
You're in a car, you're not invisible. Get your finger out of your nose.
I have no idea
What do you say to somebody before they go to a funeral? Have fun? Good luck? Enjoy? Be sad?
It's good to be home
My Dad just gave me a rape whistle.
Write that off
Can you leave cardboard out by the curb trash and write that off as donating beds to the homeless.
What can't it do
Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser is a woman's Swiss Army knife.
Dead or napping
Rhyme and reason
'Make it a habit and grab it.' The marketing department for the reusable grocery bag industry may wanna rethink that tagline.
Ah crap
I was curious what a man was holding. I should not have been. It was a log of poo.
I don't remember taking any drugs...
Weirdest dream of my life last night. Basically, my Dad was driving a Christopher Columbus style ship to which I was water skiing behind... on a lake. Then I went with my sister to her tennis club where you got there by boat and had to shoot people on the way.
That's not in the shape of a KK...
Forming food in shapes that represent the holidays is a fun and festive idea. However, assembling food in the shape of ghosts may cause you to come across as an extreme racist.