Jingle, jingle
Is Silver Bells a euphemism for Santa?
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth
Missing two teeth is a very poor excuse for not wishing someone Merry Christmas.
There is plenty of crunch
My toaster dried the daylights out of my bagel. So for breakfast, a Jewish crouton it is
Dead at what cost
Good news: I annihilated the box fly.
Bad news: I threw out my shoulder.
Bad news: I threw out my shoulder.
I'm sorry she's missing, but man, she looks fantastic for 88.
Things you learn while you bathe
Getting conditioner in your eye hurts tremendously more than getting shampoo in your eye.
FW: FW: FW: FW:
Thank god for people over 60, otherwise chain emails would be a thing of the past. #ThereAreTwenty-fiveHundredEmailsInHere
Beaver tail
Power nap
In the face
How much hairspray did I just spray directly into my face? So much so that I was surprised I was able to open my eye without having to pry it open with my fingers.
Uninsightfully insightful
"When we have to eat, we have to eat otherwise we're gonna starve." Sound advice from the crazy man at the coffee shop.
Seashell or Powdered Snow; pick one white. The helmet/jersey disconnect is glaring #GetYourWhitesRight
Feeling dainty
My office chair just randomly dropped down a notch
OK grandma
I noticed that I had a lot of $1 bills in my wallet and then proceeded to say to myself: "I have more ones than I can shake a stick at."
Red, red, rrrr.... SO CLOSE #FightingTheUrge
That's very flippant use of his cane
It's times like this when I hate my ability to read. #Pword
That's very specific
Ball gowns verse bandannas
Opera is the white man's rap. It's loud. It's unclear. It's ethnically validating.
I think it's super glued
"I'll never let go." - Popcorn to the space between my molars.
Ball it up and call it a day
I don't like doing things half-ass and I don't like giving up, but when it comes to folding a fitted sheet, failure is my standard.
Gang necessities
Do gangs have a pool of money for spray paint and bullets? Or is it just every member for themselves?
Deep burn
My coffee was a thousand degrees so, I don't have taste buds anymore.
Christmas clowns
Nutcrackers are terrifying.
Slow down and take a breath
Not much else makes you feel more incapable than when you have your arm through one sleeve of your jacket and are flailing about to find the opening of the second.
It's not warm here
June in San Francisco, time to break out your summer wool.
Gah!
An unwelcome result after rain is the miscellaneous snipering of awning drips that pepper your scalp.
O-KAY
No chronic pinkeye here
I still have - and use - eye shadow I bought when I was a sophomore in high school. Safe to say I am the antibody for conjunctivitis.
Applicator apparatus
Mascara wands have gotten out of control.
Ginger. Ale.
Ginger ales should re-brand and make their cans red. You know, just for fun.
No means yes and yes means faster
"San Francisco may get more serious about citing drivers who block intersections as The City is looking to revive a "don't block the box" campaign."
Given the recent rise in domestic violence awareness, this slogan revival seems ill timed.
Given the recent rise in domestic violence awareness, this slogan revival seems ill timed.
That can't be good
I burped and it had an essence of chlorine.
I deliver one helluva face slap
Just felt what I'm assuming was a tiny spider crawling on my neck. I may have to file an assault charge against myself.
Gchats with Mom
Momma: oh god, another school shooting (10:34am)
Momma: off to my mammogram and bone density test (10:34am)
Momma: off to my mammogram and bone density test (10:34am)
Baseball
Where games start seven past the hour and two teams are named after colored socks.
High and tight
Catching a glimpse of seam which indicates that a man is wearing a bikini brief is a sure fire way to make this gals day.
Duck, duck...
My phone just auto-corrected 'school' to 'alcohol'. That almost makes up for thinking I'm always ducking.
Nothing gets passed her
Some lady on the bus: "Are we in Chinatown?"
I wonder what tipped her off? All the Chinese people, or that every sign is written in Chinese characters.
I wonder what tipped her off? All the Chinese people, or that every sign is written in Chinese characters.
Burns like you think it would
The aftermath of rubbing your eye is a bad way to find out you didn't get all the bleach off your hand.
Dibs
Lots of marching?
Objectifying men is not without consequence
Sharply craned my neck to check out the man meat in a fire truck which caused a compromise in my linear path, which resulted in stubbing my toe on the corner of a parking meter.
And sign makers
The potter must have been going through some stuff because that's one horrified looking ceramic frog
To feel better, I'll tell myself he was lying
Jamal was soliciting donations in front of Safeway in order to raise money to send his football team to games. I felt bad saying 'no' so I lied and said that I gave him a few bucks a couple weeks ago. What the hell is wrong with me.
While others march, I stick to my gender role #WomensMarch
It's a gift
The day camel toes stop being funny is a day I don't want to be part of.
Oh yea, and you're alone
Dropped the bar of soap in the shower and reacted with a total sense of panic. Relax Evanco, it's the Marriott, not prison.
Water death
If you're like me and think it would be a great idea to put your bamboo plant in the shower to "water it like the rainforest", don't. Little buddy would have responded better to being hydrated by fire.
#CornerStoreTip
I feel compelled to say yes
Dentist: "Have you ever broken your jaw?" So apparently, it's in tip-top shape
You missed
Poor execution swatting away that gnat, as I just slapping myself in the face.
What's a girl to do
My heart says, 'have more pineapple!' But the roof of my mouth says, 'don't you dare.'
Said the Christmas prostitute
"O come, O come, Emmanuel".
I have diabetes?!
I'm thankful...
For my tramp-stamp phase passing without permanent damage.
It was a goal, not the Mega Millions
Scoring a goal is the entire objective of your sport. When it happens, at least pretend like you had that result on the radar. #Futbol
Election 2016
Endless whining and destructive protests because your choice didn't get picked. Take solace knowing that you’re acting just like him; a child.
My dental hygienist had a very substantial rack...
and her motorboat ran out of gas on my forehead.
Not even the Lord can save them from seasonal allergies
That’s a lot of pressure on Luen
Good thinkin'
We had a good run
My earring fell out. Good news: I know where it landed. Bad news: it's under my refrigerator.
How outdoorsy of me
Not entirely sure what I was thinking when I got dressed this morning but if I happen to find myself on a ranch at some point today, I'll fit right in.
Unless they sell poop, that sign is misleading
Huh? No shit?
That's quite the jawline
Oh good. Only the lower half of my face is sunburnt, further accentuating my already questionably sized mandible.
It's unavoidable and I hate it
Underwear shopping forces you to see, read, and internally voice the word "panties". And that sucks.
We get it. You know the words. We all know the words
It's a shame that when 'Piano Man' comes on, no one sings along.
I'm all over the place
Watching Olympic ping pong makes me feel like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
The dream is to dream... of time off
Me: Where are you from?
Cab Driver: Turkey.
Me: Beautiful country. Why are you out here?
Cab Driver: To live the American dream but it's bullshit. You all work too much.
Cab Driver: Turkey.
Me: Beautiful country. Why are you out here?
Cab Driver: To live the American dream but it's bullshit. You all work too much.
I guess a bra share plan with my 13 year old niece is now out the window
Why aren't breakfast appetizers a thing?
I would love to start with a judgment free pancake or two.