Fabulous
I’ve adhered the sticky side of the band-aid to my wound.
Curse words and a shoulder injury
I didn’t think I was a violent person, then I came to and realized the amount of intense effort I just gave trying to kill a gnat with my bare hands.
My crack was right
It took me 41 minutes into my workout to realize why it felt like my leggings were 3 feet up my ass. It's because they're on backwards, and they were.
Glad they wait until they both drop
Looks like Mom's out of whiskey
Dial it back
Pete Carroll chews gum like a teenage girl.
The cotton lotto
All my socks were put away with a match. That's winning the domestic lottery.
Just taking little Jesus for a walk
Long burn
In retrospect, I wanted my esophagus more than that large sip of coffee.
That's actually really impressive
Betty's a ladies lady
Walking behind some guy on the phone:
"You know, I may have told you... my Aunt Betty was a lesbian."
"You know, I may have told you... my Aunt Betty was a lesbian."
Not one ounce of effort to evenly distribute the toppings
The amount of effort the Subway guy gave to the art of crafting my sandwich has lead me to believe he's given up on life.
And where are the other appetizers coming from?
Even birds
Thank god I don’t have an aquarium
#Pandora #OpenHearts
Trouble initiating the breakup talk with your lady? Gifting her with a piece of jewelry from a nationally televised commercial should do the trick
A clothing rubix cube
I was pretty excited about my cute new romper jammy's... then I had to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
Not gonna stay in business if they keep giving away tips like that
Check the refrigerator section
I was just asked if we sold gallons of milk which means I was just mistaken for a corner store employee.
I bet they don't vaccinate either
Not the best name for a motorized vehicle #DontBeSiestingWhileYouBeDriving
They're disgusting
Ears are everyone's deformity.
Seriously
They should make darker chalk for the black gymnasts.
Nothing says 'let's rally' like a tickling of the ivories
An organ is played to liven up the crowd at baseball games... a church instrument is used in order to boost the level of excitement for baseball.
Santa's injured!
Sir! Don't move. You have caterpillars on your face
The scent permeates
Onions, the asparagus of fingers.
Now THAT is being prepared for anything
Unmotivational motivation
More like, "Oral-iental." Zing!
Sporty grunt
When people can hear your TV from the hallway: "I swear to god I'm just watching women's tennis."
And a stomp, 1-2-3-4
I wonder what my upstairs neighbors are going to name their pet elephant.
Stand in
How does one go about being a stand-in to help determine maximum occupancy?
Umm, come again
The cat really had it's way with that thing #MittensWasPissed
Exactly
When a zebra falls in love with a leopard
Bag a lettuce and a beer
It's tourist season
The smell of homeless is masked by the consistent wafting of European cologne.
Being a girl is the worst
My insides are percolating; let me obstruct myself with a manufactured cotton mold and I'll be right out.
We'll see how fun it is in 3 hours
Intersection is still blocked
You know what doesn't move a car blocking the intersection? Your horn.
Apparently you shouldn't leave the elderly unsupervised around plastic bags either
Armpit peel
Any plans to dull the bottom of deodorant dispensers? I could do without the armpit scalping alerting me that I need to buy more.
Picking up the slack for her husband's monotone choices
Bring your kid to work day?
It's working
I didn't think the organic chlorine free bleach did anything, but the burning sensation 3 minutes after splashing some on my foot may have proved otherwise.
I've got friends in low places
My homeless friend, whom I haven't seen in months - he's since switched panhandling locations - spotted me from down the block and ran after me to say hi and show me his new teeth.
Hack it up
If you're trying to be the cool babysitter to the dog by feeding him 4 treats instead of his usual 1; don't. Your ears don't deserve the perpetual puke and eat cycle that ensues.
Phenomenal pull if this was Supermarket Sweep
Fair skinned lady
The weather says: "Wear shorts!" But the color of my legs say: "Don't you dare."
Unsure as to why
I kinda miss anklets.
F*$% Sh**
Nothing brings out a more unique array of colorful language like stubbing your toe in the middle of the night.
And a happy pedicure
Overheard...
"Sooo... I've got a rash."
Adult choices
The scent of corn dog and fish stick is permeating the hallway. I hope my neighbors get recess after lunch.
The Umbrella Complex
It's clearly not raining but I see a handful of people using umbrellas. It must be raining. I just can't feel it?
*slowly opens umbrella*
*slowly opens umbrella*
Allow myself to welcome home, myself
"As mom may have mentioned, SDSU plays Kansas tonight so Aztec basketball it is. Sorry we cannot pick you up from the airport."
Cheers!
Dad
Cheers!
Dad
Tip of the iceberg
'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' by The Jackson 5... little did they know that would be the least of their family's worries.
Treenis
It's a mask
Febreze: life perfume for dirty people.
Things you don't want to see in your parents room
Waste not, want not
My Southwest drink coupons were about to expire. So, it looks like scotch at noon.
USA! USA!
Just breathe
How did we decide that peppermint was the ideal scent for breath?
Yeaaa
You know when you go to push a door open and your hand slips and you smash your face into the glass?
Fruitless
An apple a day. When life gives you lemons. Sweet as a peach. Plum forgot. Life’s a bowl of cherries. Blueberry.
Me too
Clipping time
Without fail, someone is clipping their nails on BART.
Gchats with Mom:
Momma: "just bought a new white wrinkle free shirt from Orvis....I love their shirts."
You know, just an FYI.
You know, just an FYI.