"It Could Be Worse" was taken.
It's funny because it's in front of an old person's home
Choose the heavy hand
Have you noticed there's no middle ground when it comes to pouring your second/third cocktail? It's either: "not enough", or, "whoopsie daisy."
Yes. Yes she is.
Staying outta their lane
My eyebrows are not sheltering-in-place. Pretty sure these caterpillars can bump esthetician's into the essential business category.
Sometimes you just wanna pool party
I wonder if Jesus ever wished he was a summer baby.
Because it gets louder
Shouldn't it be 'macro' phone?
A real family man
So.... cup?
One mans trash
...like donuts?
Forever changed
Right as the brow lady leaned in nice and close to achieve the perfect shape, she exhaled as I inhaled. So that was the most revolting thing to happen to me in recent memory.
So get your hillbilly ass away from our pool
Third base specialist? (bullet #3)
Meh, just secure the power line to the tree with this rope.
What is church?
You say grace and read the Bible. Perfect, we've got our name.
Line 'em up
When words rebel
Perfect for him... or her
More impressed than grossed out
If anyone is curious about the grit of a house fly, they have no problem surviving 12+ hours being stuck inside a refrigerator.
BART
Smile didn't work
Homeless Guy: Spare a dollar?
Me: No, sorry (with a smile might I add)
Homeless Guy: Why are you so mean?
Me: No, sorry (with a smile might I add)
Homeless Guy: Why are you so mean?
He calls it, "Zuber"
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice
And girls just get a cup #MeToo
She's fallen and can't get up. The last thing she needs is a free brochure.
Your sandwich is not staying together
Sliced avocado is the banana peel of sandwich bread.
You sure, Marty?
My. They're offering to solve quite the spectrum of needs
I don't think her bike came with a seat #NotJustABikeRide
This polar bear looks like he might be a little.... gayla
He wore a raspberry beret
Passenger service
In an effort to get my Uber rating to a 5, I'm going to try turning the tables: would you like a candy? A water? May I charge your phone?
The awful power of a jingle
You're having a wonderful morning enjoying a cup of coffee and then the Kars4Kids commercial comes on.
Knife sharpener works
Looks like I'll be enjoying my bagel this morning with a sprinkle of fingertip #High4
Crazy cat lady appreciation
I wonder if cat sales are on the rise today #Don'tHaveAValentineDay
Man
I've forgotten to apply deodorant the past two days. What's next, a desire to hang out in Berkeley?
Who drinks wine in a silk nighty on a bare mattress
How did these scenarios become the norm for mattress commercials?
Hey kid...
I wonder if the classic pedophile lure of, "I have candy" has been replaced with something more modern. Something like, "My van has WiFi."
Buying his time as a Genius Bar employee until his calves are ready for the NBA
The curb won
Went for the casual "hop-leap" onto the sidewalk, but the frigid temperature proved detrimental to my ability to elevate.